


All of my love

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x01, 13x01 coda, Angst with no happy ending, Heartbreak, M/M, Mixtape, Season 13 Episode 1 coda, angst and sadness, burned - Freeform, coda 13x01, no happy ending, sorry it sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 17:38:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12347415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: Hey sorry if this sucks but this popped up in my head when I watched and cried so I had to write it.





	All of my love

**Author's Note:**

> Hey sorry if this sucks but this popped up in my head when I watched and cried so I had to write it.

Dean had to take deep breathes.

In and out

In and out

In and out

He tried to swallow the bile rising through his throat and he didn't know what to think and how to feel. So many emotions hit him at once and it hurt him so much, the lump in his throat grew. He stares at his body. Cas' dead body. He couldn't help if a few tears slid down his face, he couldn't help if he softly touched the side of Cas' face. He wants a miracle, he wishes for a miracle. He doesn't believe in hope anymore. He doesn't believe god will save him. If god was here, he would've saved him already. He would've saved all of them and brought them back. But he didn't. He isn't going to and Dean had to swallow the lump in his throat and the pull in his heart and face the cold hard truth.

"I'm so sorry," he croaked so low he wasn't even sure if he spoke or not.  
"I didn't save you in time, I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I'm so sorry, Cas," he whispered.

He ran his hands through Cas' trench coat and felt some rectangular shaped case. He pulled it out and saw it was the mixtape he gave Cas a while ago before he, Dean shuts his eyes tight and tries to block it out. Tries to forget the blade as it pierced through Cas' chest. His breathe shuddered and he bit his lip so hard it bled. He licked the blood and let it flow down his chin, not caring because there was no point. No point in hoping Cas would come back. No hope in anything. He couldn't save the one person he really needed to. He always worried for Cas and always wanted him to be with them, safe with them in the bunker. Safe with him, living with them. Now he'll never get the chance to tell him to stay. _To stay forever_ at the bunker with them because Cas is their family. Cas has always been part of the family. He's a Winchester.

He had hope, he had hope once when Cas was here. When Cas was alive. Cas was alive and Dean always felt hope, Cas made him believe. He made him have hope and see the light at the end of the tunnel. The light was always there when Cas was around, he hoped Cas would be the light he needed. He always wanted Cas to be the light, he believed he was. All he wanted was the three of them to be a team, all he wanted. He choked back tears at that thought. He was a dumbass for believing that, he hates himself for believing he could have something like that, something that made him happy. He shouldn't have hoped for something as good as that. He didn't deserve good things, he never did. His lips quivered as he stared at the mixtape and clenched it so tight, his knuckles turned white. He wants to break it, to destroy the hope that died with him. To destroy everything he dared to hope. He takes a deep breathe instead.

In and out

In and out

In and out

He reaches over and places his hand on Cas' face. "You deserved so much more, so much better," he whispered.  
He leaned over and clenched his eyes shut as tears ran down his face as he kissed Cas' forehead. Tears ran down his face onto Cas' face and Dean makes sure to wipe them away so he wouldn't get uncomfortable wherever he is.

"Fuck Cas, please don't be gone," he whispered.

It was a stupid thought, a stupid thing to even say. Dean couldn't help but say it, he doesn't want to believe he's gone. It's hard to believe Cas is gone. It hurts to think about it, it hurts to even say it. He fears that when it really hits me he wouldn't know what to do, what to say. In this moment looking at Cas' face, looking peaceful and calm as if wherever he is he's happy. Dean's heart clenched at that thought Cas is happy without him and Sam. Without him.

He thinks of Cas. He thinks of the first time they met, sparks flew and the barn shook. He thinks of when he knew he could trust Cas. The first time they went on a case together by themselves. He thinks of the first time he realized that he cared deeply for the angel. The first time his heart broke when Cas left him and left him a couple more times after that. How much it hurt each and every time but this, this is far worse. This is final. This means no turning back, Cas isn't coming back. Cas isn't coming back and he left them. He left Dean. He took Dean's hope, his light and died with them. His feelings are so overwhelming, it's too strong. He promised himself he wouldn't cry but he broke that right when he saw the sheet over Cas' body and the paleness in his face.

He deeply sighs and sniffs trying to blink away the tears. He wipes his eyes with his sleeves and kisses Cas' forehead again. He runs his hand through his hair and pulls the sheet over his body. He places the mixtape in his pocket and makes sure it won't fall out. He turns around and grabs the curtains and starts to tie Cas. As he wraps his legs, he stops. It's too overwhelming, it's too much for Dean and he has to close his eyes tight and take a deep breathe.

In and out

In and out

In and out

He clears his throat, fighting back another wave of tears and starts to tie him, being careful and gentle. He doesn't want to hurt him even if Cas couldn't feel it. He softly whispers memories while tying Cas. Memories of everything they did, only the happy ones. He doesn't want Cas to think of the bad memories, he wants Cas to think of the happy times. At least that's what he keeps telling himself. He's telling Cas the happy memories, it's for Cas. Not for himself. He continuously mumbles and when he's done, he looks at him.

A body wrapped in sheets, a dead body that he's going to burn. It hits him suddenly that it's Cas. It's Cas he's burning, that he's going to light a match and throw in the fire. His hands start to shake and bile goes up his throat that he has to swallow the sour taste down his throat. He has to control himself. Control. Control is something he can have, the one thing he can have. So he swallows it all down, he swallows his tears, and the bile down his throat. It takes him a few minutes but he controls his shaking hands and lifts Cas gently, he doesn't want to hurt him. 'It's not like he can feel it,' he reminds himself. He still gently holds him till they reach outside and he gently places him on the pyre. He places his hand where the sheet covers his face for a second then takes it away.

Jack and Sam are talking about what to say to the dead and Dean ignores them, he doesn't want to hear what they have to say. He doesn't want to hear what they'll say. He pours gasoline over Cas and Kelly's bodies, trying to control his hands, his breathe, his tears.

He finishes the gasoline and stands in the side and stares at them. Stares at Kelly's and Cas' dead bodies about to be burned. They'll be turned into ashes and never come back. Cas will never come back and Dean knows he has to hold himself from running over and grabbing Cas. Grabbing him and keeping his body just in case he returns. Just in case he comes back, he'll need a body. He'll need his body to come back to. He has to fight that urge. He deeply sighs, "Well goodbye Cas," his voice breaks, "goodbye Kelly. Goodbye, Crowley. Goodbye Mom-"  
Sam cut in, "Dean, we don't know if mom-"  
"Yeah we do," Sam looks at him, broken, "we do, Sam. Lucifer killed her. The moment he realized we trapped his ass he killed her, you know he did," Sam looked away, tears in his eyes but Dean couldn't comfort.

He didn't have the energy to comfort anyone, didn't even know how comfort himself. He stares ahead, broken and empty. He doesn't know what to feel now, doesn't want to feel anything. He knows it'll hit him and it won't be fine anymore. He knows it'll hurt like a bitch and he's not ready for it. He's not ready for it when it hits him that Cas is dead. He looks away when he throws the lighter, can't bear to look at the pyre igniting in flames and burning the wood and bodies. He turns and stares ahead at the bodies. The body of Kelly. The body of Cas. He watches as they slowly burn to ashes and it feels utter heartbreak deep within his chest and he cant help but let out a small shudder. They continue staring at the bodies till they burned into nothing but ashes combined with the burnt wood.

They drive back to the bunker, no music no talking. Nothing needs to be said because everything has been said. Nothing can stop the ache growing in Dean's chest. When they get to the bunker, he shuts off the impala and goes to his room, ignoring Sam's worried looks and Jack's stare. He shuts his door and locks it, he doesn't want anyone to interrupt him. He grabs his cassette player and headphones and sits on the bed, grabbing his bottles of beer he stashed for safe keeping. He takes out the cassette tape, hands clenching and carefully inserts it. He places his headphones on and turns it up all the way to highest it can go and opens a bottle, swallowing it down ignoring the burn in his throat. As Led Zeppelin flows through his ears and the beer burns his threat, he can't help if he lets his guard down just a little bit. Down enough to let a few tears stream down his face as the lyrics flood his ears.

 _Should I fall out of love, my fire in the light_  
_To chase a feather in the wind_  
_Within the glow that weaves a cloak of delight_  
_There moves a thread that has no end_  
_For many hours and days that pass ever soon_  
_The tides have caused the flame to dim_  
_At last the arm is straight, the hand to the loom_  
_Is this to end or just begin?_  
_All of my love, all of my love_  
_All of my love to you, oh_  
_All of my love, all of my love, oh_  
_All of my love to you_  
_The cup is raised, the toast is made yet again_  
_One voice is clear above the din_  
_Proud Aryan one word, my will to sustain_  
_For me, the cloth once more to spin, oh_  
_All of my love, all of my love, oh_  
_All of my love to you_  
_All of my love, all of my love, yes_  
_All of my love to you_  
_Yours is the cloth, mine is the hand that sews time_  
_His is the force that lies within_  
_Ours is the fire, all the warmth we can find_  
_He is a feather in the wind, oh_  
_All of my love, all of my love, oh_  
_All of my love to you_  
_All of my love, ooh yes, all of my love to you now_  
_All of my love, all of my love_  
_All of my love, love, sometimes, sometimes_  
_Sometimes, sometimes, oh love_  
_Hey, hey, hey_  
_Hey, hey, hey_  
_Ooh yeah, it's all my love_  
_All of my love, all of my love, to you now_  
_All of my love, all of my love_  
_all of my love to, to you, you, you, yeah_  
_I get a little bit lonely_


End file.
